I’m not straight…

It’s Pride month, and it’s quite possibly my favourite month out of the year (okay maybe second favourite, August is my birth months so that’s always fun as well). Everything about this month makes me so incredibly happy, seeing all my queer brothers and sisters celebrating who they are. Closeted or not, pride is always a celebration of who we are, and how far we come and how much farther we need to go.

I’m truly fortunate to be in the position that I can freely and comfortably be myself with very little repercussions. I understand that I have privilege that others don’t, I realize that I’m incredibly lucky for the position that I’m in. That being said, I will do anything ANYTHING I can to do to help the boys and girls and everyone inbetween that don’t have the same privilege that I do.

I grew up in a fairly open-minded household, I grew up knowing that girls can love girls and that boys can love boys and that’s okay. When I was in middle school, one of my friends came out as Bi. When she explained that it means someone can like both boys and girls, my little 11 year old mind was blown! I was like, “You can do that?! You can like both?!” Up until this point, I thought it was just one or the other. You either wanted the chicken or you wanted the cat. AND NOW I COULD HAVE BOTH!

My other friend, who was also 11, said something that was bi-phobic – at the time, we didn’t understand how problematic that is was. She said, “I would never ever date a person who was bi, you could never trust them because that means there is twice the competition.” And I very blindly agreed. If I knew how damaging thinking that was, I wouldn’t ever think it or say it.

Fast forward to 2011, Lemonade Mouth just came out on Disney Channel, and Hayley Kiyoko played a punky rebellious musician – and that was the first real instance that I was attracted to the female character rather than any of the males. I was so confused. I tried to tell myself that it was because she was so cool and collected, and I wanted to be like her – but there was a feeling in my chest that felt like a knot.

At this point, I didn’t know if I wanted to be her or be on her.

CLASSIC BI PROBLEM, AMIRITE.

Going forward 3 years, I’m in my final year of high school – I’m 17 and I go to parties fairly often. I’m dating a guy who thinks it’s incredibly sexy when girls make out with other girls. I remember having to take like 5 shots before I could even kiss another girl, I was literally shaking so hard. I was doing such a good job supressing my bi-curiosity, and I was finally acting on it. I was pretty intoxicated but I never felt more right.

I kissed a girl, and I melted. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before; I’ve kissed plenty of guys  but I’ve only ever dreamt of kissing girls. Every party after that, I got drunk and kissed girls. *Cue up Girls by Rita Ora* Every time I was invited to a party, I looked forward to kissing girls. But I still wouldn’t admit that I liked the same gender.

This feels so weird admitting it. I haven’t really formally come out yet, like I in no way try to hide this part of me anymore but it’s still weird telling my story.

I moved right after graduation to another city and I downloaded tinder, (Classic 2014) and I opened it up to both boys and girl. That was my first step that I finally admitted to myself that I liked girls and boys. I was terrified but also extremely excited. I was swiping right on girls and it was so freeing.

I didn’t dare tell any of my friends back home and I didn’t tell my Dad. I went on dates with a couple of girl, and it felt so normal. It felt so incredible that I was no longer trying to deny the bi part of me. I was so happy being able to hold hands in public and kiss them whenever we went out.

My first girlfriend was named Emily, she was breathtaking. We met on tinder, (hilarious), she had long brunette hair and was only an inch or so shorter than me. We were both coming to terms with our sexuality, so we were both really nervous but also incredibly open with one another. On our first date was a little awkward, but then I ate her box.  I’m literally blushing SO HARD writing this, oh lord I am so gay. We only dated for a couple months, it was amazing!

Thinking back at it, I really don’t know why I didn’t tell my Dad right away. As mentioned before, I came from a pretty liberal family. And I never hid anything from my Dad, but for some reasons I couldn’t say the words out loud. I couldn’t look Dad in the eyes and say “I’m Bi”.

Between 2014 and 2016, I dated between guys and girls. And if I was seeing a girl at the time, I would just tell my dad that I was just crashing at a friend’s place for the night.

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2018

In late June 2015, I woke up to an endless stream of texts celebrating that gay marriage finally became legal in the states. Even though I’m not American and I’ve never been to the states, and gay marriage has been legal in Canada for a decade at that point – I still felt this HUGE relief wash through me.

This was a huge step for my queer brothers and sisters.

I remember this morning perfectly, I remember walking out of my room and my dad greeted me like any other day. I felt like I was going to throw up because I was so excited. We went for coffee like we do most days, and I remember looking over at my Dad and said “Hey, so I got something to tell you.” And he looked at me and called me Poopoohead, as my dad does. “Dad, I’ve been feeling this way for awhile now, and up until this point I was scared about how people are going to react – but I tell you everything. And I don’t want to lie anymore. I just want you to know that I like girls too, like how I’m supposed to feel about boys and I do. But I also feel that way about girls”

At this point I’m just word vomiting. I was literally shaking. My dad pulled over, and turned to me and said “Poopoohead, I know that you like girls. I’ve seen you check out girls before. You liking girls doesn’t change my mind about you, you’ll always be my daughter.”

Not gunna lie, I bawled.

In the three years following that day, I started coming out slowly to other people. I started feeling more and more comfortable with my sexuality.

I never had a bisexual role model to look up to, and I think that’s one of the problems that took me so long to really come terms with my sexuality. This is one of the reasons why I never want to hide my story any longer. I want young and old people, who are confused like I was know that whatever you’re feeling is normal!

So yah, I’m Bi – and I’m loving it.

 

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